Kids make it a home.

We had a quiet few days and then the kids came home. Suddenly there was a reason to cook, put on all the lights and gather together in the family room. The sounds, the smells, the sight of boys horsing around and Jyoti bossing over them all spelled HOME. After dinner we all settled down on the sofas for a while. Jyoti immediately fell asleep, then Ravi decided to do his laundry and sit in the hot tub inbetween loads and Suraj went in the big room complaining he did not like the show we were watching. So Jeff, Sachi and I sat for a long time chatting intermittently, but mostly in comfortable silence watching some basketball game. Earlier, Ravi had offered to help with Sachi's tube feed and after initial instruction managed it expertly. Now they are all gone except Suraj who is sleeping on the sofa with the blanket over his head.

Sachi is taking the tube feeds four times now instead of having to divide the cans six times. Our goal is three times a day so it matches regular eating times. Today he was able to stay awake for nine hours at a stretch. This is a first. I am not sure if this is improvement or excitement over the kids coming home. On the outside people probably think Sachi is the disciplinarian; He is actually a softy when it comes to the kids. In their own ways they all know how to wrap him around their fingers. These days since he is at home he is thinking a lot about their needs. He has started talking about 'when I get my strength back' so I think in his mind he has already gotten better.

Due to rain I have not been able to do any gardening but the plants are growing anyway. The peonies have many buds and the roses are putting out leaves on tender branches. The trees are light green and look pretty against deep green grass. Before the verdant growth of summer, this spring scene looks delicate and wistful. Sachi and I enjoy this from the window of our family room. Come summer we hope to take short (graduating to long) walks in the neighborhood. Right now our exercise is watch movies on TV. Yesterday we saw the indian movie, Jab We Met. It was quite good.

We specially enjoyed the comments this last time. They contained a lot of thought provoking ideas. We would like to come back to them and discuss them in the near future. Right now, however, it is time for Sachi's medicines and tube feed. So please keep the one way discourse going untill we can join you.

always thankful. . . . . Ambi.

Happiness is an attitude

In this result oriented world it is easy to get caught in the current and start looking for definable markers of success.

I was returning from yet another shopping spree today to bring home necessary sundries and found a flare of white&pink flowers where I expected none. On close inspection it turned out to be the new peach tree (remember the twig!) that had burst into bloom. I dragged reluctant Suraj, who could not be convinced that this was an occasion of immense proportions, and clicked a picture for all of you.

Coming inside I found another sight equalling the blooms outside. Sachi was sitting at the dinette table, sorting out part of the mail that has collected over the past two months while we were at the Mayo clinic. It cheered me immensely to see him sitting so straight, going through his papers, like he has always done . He has started paying attention to the world around him in between his tube feeds and long naps. He likes to slice an apple and offer it as a snack to Suraj when Suraj comes home from work. We usually take a short walk daily outside the house in our yard. It is not long enough to start a heart to heart conversation but is potent enough to energise both of us with the promise of future.

Having seen life at slower pace we are reluctant to speed it up; yet markers that take us closer to it are seductive and very satisfying. We are grateful to have the luxury of this tension between our two opposing desires. It almost slipped out of our hands.

We will be going back to Mayo clinic for Sachi's first check-up on May ninteenth. It is strange but I am looking forward to it. We saw Minnesota in peak winter, now we will get to see its beauty in summer colors.

It is always a pleasure to open the blog and read your messages.

Each one unique; worth many reads.

In your debt. . . .Ambi.

The Lion Outside His Den

Nature is slowly waking up here. The trees are laden with leaf buds, flowers have started their show and the sun lingers a little bit longer everyday. Normally at this time Sachi would be inside the walls of the hospital practising the art and science of modern medicine and would miss out the magic of our garden; Leaving the house before sunrise and hardly ever coming home before twilight. This year, however, having imbibed the benefits of cyber medicine we are trying our hand at another kind of healing now.

Sunday afternoon we strolled out in our backyard. Sachi checked out the the fruit trees, the daffodils, forsythia in full bloom (top left) and then sat basking in the late evening sun by the side of our 'not-yet-open' pool. Within a month the pool will be full of Suraj, Ravi and their friends. It is quite a scene complete with lemonade, watermelon and skimpily dressed kids. Sachi and I have come a long way in our journey from India to America. The first summer in USA I used to keep all the curtains of our condominium closed to save Jyoti from the corrupting influence of women and girls in swimming attire on their way to the club pool. Now the boys bring those girls home to our pool.

The middle picture above is Paul helping me plant the roses. The right one is the newly planted apple tree (twigs according to Suraj). It should bloom and bear a few fruits this year. When we came in from our meandering Sachi sat on the sofa, surprised at the exhaustion. A long nap followed. Later we watched 'The Pretty Woman' on TV. Last time we saw it, Ravi was not yet a year old and Suraj was just learning about race cars. We miss finding those matchbox cars all over the house in the most unlikliest of places. I do not know how we would have weathered this storm without our kids to ground us. On the flip side of this, we are acutely cognisant of the secure and happy childhood that gave us confidence in our adult lives, a quality we cashed in big time during this crisis. Thankyou Baba, Bou, Biji and Papa Ji.

We are really enjoying the free time afforded us to smell the roses.

Happy Spring. . . . . . Ambi

Swimming Is a Way Of Keeping From Drowning

When times were (and are) hard I remembered these lines of Guru Gobind Singh Ji

Oh Shiva! grant me this wish

From good deeds I may never scare
Limb by limb may be torn apart
Abandon battlefield I may never dare

This race however is Sachi's and Sachi's alone. We can at best only guess the road he is travelling. When race horses are training they are made to run with another horse to provide a challenge. I am trying to be that horse instead of letting the cancer take that place. You all are too. Looking at Sachi I think we are succeeding.

Sweet Babi, thank you for asking though.

This picture is of the daffodils growing behind an evergreen bush by the side of our house. Every year I forget that they grow there. When I do see them I am always shocked that I have overlooked them. Such bright color, such perseverance despite neglect, and such effusive joy. Seema, your comment reminded me to go out and look for them. This year they are for you.

The Daffodils

by W. Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high over vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host of golden Daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

. . . . . . .
Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never ending line

Along the margin of the bay.

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

. . . . . . .

The waves beside them danced; but they

Outdid the sparkling waves in glee.

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company.

I gazed - and gazed- but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought.

. . . . . . .
For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills

And dances with the daffodils.

(Thankyou Mr. Mehta, my ninth grade English teacher)

. . . . . .

I have never seen a sea of Daffodils like Wordsworth; The field of yellow mustard flowers that grows in my village matches this description though. Baba Ji (my dad's elder brother) and I stood in that field once and recited this poem. He lives with those flowers now.

Sachi is sleeping on the family room sofa. It is noon right now. We spent the morning watching 'The Painted Veil' for the second time. I wonder what is the meaning of the title (why painted)? If you have not seen this movie add it to your list of 'must see'. Sachi has gained one pound. Slow but steady we are getting there. Ravi is at his track meet in Iowa (neighboring state), Suraj is with Jeff's family watching the Husker's spring game and Jyoti is working. Sachi and I plan on a quiet cozy day.

Our love and regard to all of you.

Ambi

"The music in my heart I bore

Long after it was heard no more"

Wordsworth in Solitary Reaper

These flowers and balloons will wither and perish but not the warm wishes and blessings that came with them. Thankyou all. Yesterday was a wonderful day in Lincoln - sunny, clear blue and balmy warm. The kind of day that makes it easy to believe everything will be OK. When kids were little they would run out with their arms outstretched and face lifted to receive the sun and the breeze. I have dozens of pictures, taken over the years, of the three of them picking tulips and lilacs; Suraj and Ravi chasing soap bubbles that Jyoti playfully sent their way. The children are grown now but the feeling is still infectious. Suraj (who happened to be home) and I drove to the Earl May nursery and brought home fruit trees and a few flowers to plant. We called Paul and Andre', Russian muscle men who help us with gardening, and planted two cherry trees, two apple trees and a peach tree. I kept popping inside the house to check up on Sachi and keep him abreast of the activity outside. He initially took a long nap but then I saw him peeking out from behind the windows. Andre', with closed eyes, put a Russian spell on the trees when we first set them in the hole. When asked what were the words of the spell he burst out laughing and said, "Grow tree grow!". By evening our exuberance drew Sachi out. With hands behind his back he chatted with Andre' about the garden. Due to the weight loss his high cheek bones and bony shoulders make him look a lot like Bou (Sachi's mother). The Bhuyan trait is hard to suppress.

This picture was taken last month in one of the Mayo clinic hallways. Sachi is checking out Andy Warhol's (original) print making skills. This corridor led from the radiation center to the food-court. We loved walking through it. Sachi is improving at the proverbial turtle's pace but it is slowly adding up. In sleep his face looks relaxed instead of tense with pain. Awake he is slowly taking over parts of the tube feed functions. Yesterday as I was leaving for grocery shopping he walked out to warn me of some gardening tools that he thought might be lying behind my car. Then as I was backing out of the garage he waved me out with a smile. With a smile! Did you hear that. With a smile. While driving to Hy Vee I let out a sigh of relief that I did not know I was holding all these days. I always knew he would get better. Now I know for sure.

This I wanted to share with you. Thank you. . . . . . Ambi.

Homage to New Technology

Sachi loves to check the blog. Your messages get read within a few hours of your sending them. This new age ingenious invention that our grandparents would have found unbeleivable and our kids find indispensable has proved to many of us (the sandwich generation) a marvel. This blog has shrunk our world to a cozy size and hurled us into a new dimension that we can cross instantly with a few finger taps. With this tool in hand world peace suddenly seems possible (I wonder if telephone once raised these same hopes?)

You can see I have too much time on my hands. Jyoti & Jeff left today and Suraj & Ravi are at college. Baisakhi was a family affair made very special by all the food, flowers, prasad and good wishes sent our way. Sachi was a quiet participant but the central focus. All the good will must have helped because today for the first time he skipped one dose of pain medication and another time chose extra strength Tylenol instead of Hydrocodone. He still spends most of the time sleeping. While here Jyoti did the same using the excuse: "I'm keeping Baba company". She was in her mayka (parents home as opposed to in-laws home) after all.

Sachi now sleeps a little bit more comfortably than before and wakes up less often. His tube feeds are going fine and he is tolerating the formula OK. Many times I am busy with the tube feeds and cannot pick up the phone; other times I switch it off so Sachi can sleep undisturbed. We are sorry about this and hope this will not last too long. Many of you want to know when you can come and visit us. We are so looking forward to seeing all of you and hope in 2-3 weeks Sachi's schedule will be more predictable and he will be upto these visits. Untill then this blog is our social lifeline. Some of our family from India and USA plan to come and see us this summer. This thought keeps us looking into the future. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankyou for staying with us all this way. . . . . Ambi.

Thinking Spring

We are slowly settling down to a routine. After the relatively fast pace of treatment days we have now entered the waiting phase. The house is quiet, the kids are busy with their schedules and Sachi and I spend our time together, slowly picking up our life where we left off. Most of the day revolves around Sachi's medicines and tube feeds (six times a day). He walks around with a blanket, not being able to shrug off the cold. He has lost a lot of weight (35 lbs.) and has not yet started the trend up. The doctor says it will be two more weeks and then the recovery will speed up. For now Sachi walks (paces) inside the house as exercise. I cook a little bit and am trying to go through the piles of mail collected in the past two months. But mostly we sleep and watch TV.

Minnesota (where Mayo clinic is) has been pounded by snow storms in the past week and has had white out conditions as far as visibility is concerned. Nebraska had some beautiful days but is now wet and cold again. The kids had taken out their shorts but are back in their sweatshirts. I have planted a few pots with Pansies and they are doing fine in the cold. It feels good to look out and see these happy flowers waving back at you. The grass in the yard took advantage of the few warm days and has turned green but rest of the world is still dormant, like us. We are all waiting for the spring. The calander declared it spring on March 21st. but nature has its own plan.

Tomorrow Jyoti and Jeff will come over for 2-3 days and we will celebrate Baisakhi (April 13) together. Baisakhi is New Year on the Hindu calender and also celebrated by sikhs as birth of Sikhism. It is therefore doubly important in our home. We will take out our orange or yellow colored clothes, read passages from our respective holy books and say thanks for wonderful harvest (in Punjab it is wheat harvest time). Then we will have dinner together. My parents will not celebrate this year in memory of my brother. They are in mourning and will skip all celebrations for a year. My heart is at home with them during this time.

Thankyou to all of you who read this blog and keep it relevant. It is our connection to the unasked support we do not know how to ask for. At times it has been a life saver; a warm blanket always. With lots of love and regards . . . . . . . Ambi.

'Happy Baisakhi to all'